Damnation 101, an introduction / Michael J. Rosen, rejections by Bill Scheft --
Circle 1. The road to hell is paved with good inventions (new items in the Devil's workshop) --
A damnation, directed toward telemarketers / Tim Carvell --
Food for naught / Michael Francis Martone --
In response to your mass e-mail solicitation / Matt Summers --
Adding memory / Andrei Codrescu --
The thumb-and-pinky pretend-telephone gesture / Kevin Shay --
Operating instructions / Paul Tullis --
She knew you had your own finger, or, I remember Ma Bell / Laurie Rosenwald --
Those damn blow-ins / Jon Scieszka --
Cell-phone etiquette / Merrill Markoe --
SOBs in their SUVs / Sue Kolinsky --
In the Tuscan oven / David Colman --
Blood, seat, and tears / Bob Smith --
On porn e-mails, reality TV, tailgaters ... / Tim Harrod --
Circle 2. Speaking of the Devil (speech that deserves a tongue-lashing) --
Abuse of grammar, exhibit 23A-C / Lise Funderburg --
Angloism / Henry Alford --
A taste of hooey / Evan Morris --
Feigned praise / Kurt Anderson --
A movie trailer we'd like to see / Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely --
Mission impossible / David Bouchier --
and all that good stuff / Andy Borowitz --
The undead language / Jason Ross --
Say no to funny e-mails / Sandra Tsing Loh --
Circle 3. Infernal affairs (on hell's belles and other damnable sorts) --
TV and movie aliens who are attracted to human females / Martha Keavney --
Crime and punishment: damnations! / Candyce Barnes --
The damnation of people knowing me / Davis Sweet --
The female handshake: firm, flaccid, or fit for a queen / Louise Rafkin --
Revenge of the Amish friendship bread / Celia Rivenbark --
Not in my face, if you please / Judy Gruen --
On being the sole representative of one's gender in a hostile room: a random example of a perennial dilemma / Mark O'Donnell --
Public mastication / Beth Sherman --
In which it is shown that crime is bad, and that stupid people should perhaps not be allowed to get as drunk as smart people / Francis Heaney --
The saunterers / Kris Frieswick --
Do NOT, especially if you value your ass, tell me to smile / Cynthia Heimel --
Circle 4. It's not the heat, it's the humi--No, come to think of it, it is the heat (seasonal misery, year-round) --
A short history of my dread / Cynthia Kaplan --
Golf spelled backwards is flog / Bruce McCall --
Strike three: you're bored! / Randy Cohen --
February is twenty-eight (or twenty-nine) days too long / Tom Ruprecht --
The dog days of spring / Barry Blitt --
That which does not kill me grows back in a week and tries again / Evan Morris --
Those flags / Susan McCarthy --
Leaf blowers / Christopher Buckley --
See you in September / Brett Leveridge --
New York City state of mind: a weekend near the expressway / Laura Pedersen --
There's gonna be an earthquake tonight: the Eagles as harbingers of doom / Rod Lott --
Real beach / Roy Blount, Jr. --
Circle 5. Our bodies, our hells --
On allergies / Kevin Guilfoile --
My left hair / Andrew Marlatt --
Olives / Jay Ruttenberg --
On What'shername, you know, the actress / Nell Scovell --
To be continued ... / Amy Krouse Rosenthal --
Antibody / Lewis Grossberger --
Fine print / J.H.S. McGregor --
Salty talk / Tony Hendra --
Standing bull / Dan Bova --
Night of the living near-dead / David Ives.
Circle 6. Hell hath no fury like a bored child (playing with matches and other youthful pursuits) --
Treble yell / Louis Bayard --
Rules for reentry ... into the foreign galaxy of our home / Patricia Wynn Brown --
David Blaine and his big goddamn ice cube / Frank Gannon --
The young and the debtless / Calvin Trillin --
On returning home and being greeted by your mother / Patricia Marx --
All I needed to know about, well, gym, I learned in gym / Toby Miller --
The great sea-monkey conspiracy / Saint Reverend Jen Miller --
Web sites of the damned / Daniel Radosh --
Circle 7. Out of the frying pan (hellish situations) --
Fresh pepper? / Joe Bob Briggs --
Tables turning / Michael Martone --
Signalling for the check / Stan Mack --
Why I'm not a spy / Jim Mullen --
Pennies from hell / Jonathan Ames --
Karaoke katharsis / Dan Coffey --
The bitter aftertaste of office goodies / Beth Teitell --
When I die, I'm going to heaven because I've spent my time in the apartment next-door to hell / Gregory Hischak --
I hate change / Craig Bierko --
Temporary hells / Marta Segal Block --
Better off renting / Mark Bazer --
The lost world of the waiting room / David Macfarlane --
Circle 8. Devil in a blue dress (also available in toast, smoke, ash, and sulphur) (The wretched excesses) --
"Special editions" of Monopoly / Chris Harris --
A purgatory of postcards / Alysia Gray Painter --
Bonnie! The magazine / Bonnie Thomas Abbott --
What were they thinking? / Ariel S. Leve --
Name and address, please Renee A. James --
Much too much of such and such / Shirley Chickenpants ; I smell coconuts / Vee Ringo ; Red, white, and sky / Kim Kenny ; Purina and puppies and pussies, oh my! / Betsy Kelso ; Cigarette whore / Kate Ward ; Miles and miles of vertical smiles / Stacy Chbosky --
Executive Decision / Stephen Sherrill --
Circle 9. The Devil made me do it (for God and country) --
Eternal revenue / David Bouchier --
Jack-o'-lanterns and other empty-headed phenomena / Robert S. Wieder --
Halloween versus Election Day / Will Durst --
The bullet bible / Louis Phillips --
The law, the ass / Neil Genzlinger --
Don't blame me / Chip Rowe --
Plastic / Clyde Edgerton --
Marketing rebellion / Paul Krassner --
A lesson in bureaucracy / David Martin --
A Coney Island of the sole / Rich Cohen --
That darned Satan / M. Sweeney Lawless --
Bad Jew / Michael Feldman --
Appendix. Thirty things I HATE about Hell / Michael Gerber and Jonathan Schwarz.
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